NSA Officials: Surveillance Justified by Vapid and Uninteresting Nature of Majority of American Data

In a statement released earlier today, officials from the NSA responded to public outrage over data mining leaks, arguing that surveillance is justified by the wholly uninteresting nature of the private information being handled.

“If we’ve discovered anything from this surveillance progr...

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Drinkers across the Nation React to NTSB Recommendation to Lower Legal BAC Limit for Drivers

Following the recent recommendation by the National Transportation Safety Board for states to lower the legal blood alcohol level limit for drivers from .08 to .05, consumers of alcohol across the nation have expressed varied opinions on the subject in traditional drunken rant form.

Some mil...

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Now That I Have Lost My Major Endorsement Deals, I Think I Finally Understand Why Racism is Bad

by Paula Deen

Oh my! I have to say, things have not been going very smoothly for myself and my chocolate-frosted, fat-filled, butter-battered cooking empire recently. Now that the media and public have discovered by stubborn hatred of the…wait I want to get this right…...

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Report: Gay Divorce Rate Up 400% Following DOMA Ruling

Following the recent decision by the Supreme Court to declare the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional earlier today, sources are reporting that gay divorce rates are skyrocketing at a historic and unrelenting pace.

“The statistics are clear- many gays wan...

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CIA Classifies NFL As Domestic Terrorist Organization

Following the recent arrest of Aaron Hernandez for homicide, officials in the CIA have announced that they are ready to classify the National Football League as an organization that actively supports domestic terrorism and places innocent lives at risk through their functioning.

 

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Both Sides of Syrian Conflict Agree to Take 15-Minute Break to Watch Local Kitten Attempt to Escape Cardboard Box

Sources are reporting that both sides of the heated civil war in Syria have agreed to a short ceasefire so that all may enjoy watching a small kitten try and get out of a cardboard box.

The kitten, nicknamed ‘فقاعات’ (translation: ‘Bubbles’) was fir...

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Opinion: Remember That Mubarak Guy? He Was the WORST!

by Mohamed Morsi, President of Egypt

So, I’ve been receiving a great deal of complaints lately about my leadership. Some have been saying that I have been abusing my power by expanding my authority however I please and ignoring calls for accountability and tra...

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CIA Spokesperson: ‘I Am Lying To You All Right Now And Quite Frankly There Is No Reason My Position Should Exist’

After speaking to a group of reporters on a wide range of issues on Monday, Meredith Tortbaum, an official spokesperson for the CIA, broke down and revealed to reporters that her public addresses are a complete sham filled with lies and misdirections and that her position is ultim...

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Edward Snowden Denied Entrance to Holiday Inn Express in Moscow

Sources are reporting that Edward Snowden has continued to face difficulty in his search for accommodation, recently being denied admittance to a Holiday Inn Express at the Sheremetyevo International Airport.

Speaking to reporters this morning, Boris Yegorov, who...

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Opinion: George Zimmerman? Never Heard Of The Guy!

By Shmuel Zimmermanstein

What a week! I just moved into town, and the last few days I’ve had so many people come up to me and tell me I look just like some George Zimmerman fellow. I must say I’m getting pretty tired of the accusations. Can’t a man go about...

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Rolling Stone Editor: “If You Think the Cover is Bad, Wait Until You See the Rest of the Issue”

Following public outrage over the photo of Dzhohkar Tsarnaev on the cover of the most recent Rolling Stone issue, editors of the magazine are now debating whether other parts of the issue stretch the limits of moral decency as well.

One editor, who wished to rema...

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Kerry Advances Israel-Palestinian Communication to Facial Gestures

Speaking to a group of reporters earlier today, John Kerry announced that he was pleased by recent progress in discussions between Israeli and Palestinian leaders, and is excited by prospects of successfully resolving a decades-old conflict. He noted that while the two sides were...

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